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(no subject) [Feb. 6th, 2012|11:51 pm]
I like that livejournal is defunct and no one reads or updates it.

Wish I had a cuddle buddy. Opposite of what kind of buddy I'm usually interested in? Yes.

Damn children have made me realize how important non sexual phsycial closeness is, as well as just how severely I've been lacking in it.
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(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2012|11:29 pm]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

As an aside to being again wowed (wow'ed?) By american beauty.. Had a realization the other day that should have been obvious but never had occured to me regarding timing and maybe just the way life has to be... And despite what timing may have cost me, I wouldn't ever change the beauty in my life for a statistically insignificat (one tailed test, two tailed, no matter how lax you made alpha..) At having some personal connection and understanding. Maybe that's why things work out how they do. Maybe they have to. I'm at peace with it. And that feels good.

Que sera, sera.

I can't control every variable in the universe, and I no longer desire to. This is big shit for me, embarrassingly enough. I guess this is the positive side of being an adult.
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(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2012|11:21 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Forgot what an amazing movie american beauty was. Man.
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hello again livejournal world [Feb. 1st, 2012|10:42 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |chelsea]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |adele- 21 album]

Hello again.. Guess I have been avoiding this stuff mostly for a few years again. Should have realized by now that usually means I'm terribly miserable and in denial but clearly I hadn't realized that yet.
Lots has happened... Waiting on my divorce to be finalized.. Had a beautiful baby boy who's the love of my life nov 2010,mr Liam. Mackenzie is so big now and so smart she's almost 3, unbelievable.
Kicking ass at work. Finally feel like it matters that I'm there.
Sold my house.

Been thinking a lot lately about mistakes and how your perception of yourself in relation to others can really fuck you over long term.

On the other hand I feel stronger, less robotic.. Think having kids softened me in a way that made me stronger which I guess is kind of bizzarre.

Reconciled with some people I never should have fallen out with.. Fell out/still fallen out with some others I am missing but I guess I get where they're coming from. I wish I had been stronger then and none of that would be happening but c'est la vie. It turns out loving people doesn't require their consent or reciprocation. So I guess that's all I can do
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2010|09:23 am]
disregard immediately previous post - just testing share function on new website :o) It works!!
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Storm fear fades prompting sell off [Jul. 12th, 2010|09:22 am]
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2010|08:47 am]
[mood |crushedcrushed]

Im having a boy! Exciting!

I also realized, painfully, for the third time, (i guess thats the charm, so they claim) that you only want what you can get from me... It ought not be surprising given my general experiences with a majority of people, but it felt like you ripped all the wind out of my lungs... im not sure why it bothers me so much more when its you, or why i refuse to anticipate the inevitable with you like i do with everyone else. I guess I just cannot reconcile actually knowing and getting someone, and for so long, with them ending up so many years later being just like the others, I dunno. Thats probably irrelevant. And maybe i just could keep the denial maintained for all those years because you never overtly confronted me with the truth.
Its infuriating because I rarely, if ever, get sucked into this vortex of bullshit - i mean, i do, but not emotionally. Not long term. Not with complete naivete. I cant stand thinking i even have that in me.
I guess because i love you i dont want to believe, because youre one of a tiny handful of people who i thought i knew fully, inside and out, not on minutia but on what matters; what you value, who you are, fundamentally. But i suppose I dont. "I just made you up to hurt myself". I love you but I wish I never met you. Although maybe i ought to thank you for destroying any remnant of a shred of the ability to trust fully that i had left inside me. So thank you, and i love you, and please dont ever even think of me again.
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2010|08:52 pm]
Sometimes i just want silence. WHAT THE FUCK!
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(no subject) [Apr. 13th, 2010|06:08 pm]
ive moved from "option" to "plan". This should be brutal.
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2010|09:11 pm]
douchebag is in jail again. Fucking loser.
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