||[Jul. 1st, 2010|08:47 am]
Im having a boy! Exciting!
I also realized, painfully, for the third time, (i guess thats the charm, so they claim) that you only want what you can get from me... It ought not be surprising given my general experiences with a majority of people, but it felt like you ripped all the wind out of my lungs... im not sure why it bothers me so much more when its you, or why i refuse to anticipate the inevitable with you like i do with everyone else. I guess I just cannot reconcile actually knowing and getting someone, and for so long, with them ending up so many years later being just like the others, I dunno. Thats probably irrelevant. And maybe i just could keep the denial maintained for all those years because you never overtly confronted me with the truth.
Its infuriating because I rarely, if ever, get sucked into this vortex of bullshit - i mean, i do, but not emotionally. Not long term. Not with complete naivete. I cant stand thinking i even have that in me.
I guess because i love you i dont want to believe, because youre one of a tiny handful of people who i thought i knew fully, inside and out, not on minutia but on what matters; what you value, who you are, fundamentally. But i suppose I dont. "I just made you up to hurt myself". I love you but I wish I never met you. Although maybe i ought to thank you for destroying any remnant of a shred of the ability to trust fully that i had left inside me. So thank you, and i love you, and please dont ever even think of me again.